Remember on Friday I wrote about how I had rarely seen someone as bad at their job as recently released Orioles pitcher Adam Eaton? Well, I think I found the Adam Eaton of musicians, if you could even denigrate the word by calling what this guy does "music." I am speaking about rapper Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, who might be the absolute worst at what he does, and in the world of rap music, that is truly saying something.
Now I have nothing against rap music. In fact, as I write this I've been listening to "Niggaz4life" and "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A. and "It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back" by Public Enemy the last 3 days. I will argue that rap at its best truly is an art form. Those three records plus others like "Raising Hell" by Run DMC, "Paul's Boutique" by Beastie Boys, "Ready To Die" by Notorious B.I.G., "The Chronic" by Dr. Dre, "Enter The Wu-Tang" by Wu-Tang Clan, "Reasonable Doubt" by Jay-Z, "Blackout" by Redman and Method Man and "Get Rich Or Die Tryin'" by 50 Cent are all classics in any form of music. And that's just a partial list off the top of my head. So don't think this is just the ramblings of some guy that doesn't know shit about hip-hop.
That being said, what Soulja Boy does is an affront to those great records. Take his new single "Turn My Swag On" for instance. This shit is flat out awful. Garbage. Crap. Pick a euphemism for something bad and it can apply to Soulja Boy's "music." I put music in quote marks 'cause I'm not sure it even qualifies as such. He's not a good rapper, the beats are pretty much the same as every Southern rap song that has ever come out for the last decade and the only lyrics to the song seem to be "Soulja Boy Tell 'Em," "YEEAAAAH" and "Turn My Swag On."
Soulja Boy is not just bad music. It is transcendently bad. It's bad in an awe-inspiring way. Like you can't believe that 1) someone at a record label thought it was good or 2) that anyone would buy it. And yet, because we are not very bright here in America, people do buy it. I'm sure if I were to ask Soulja Boy how he can sleep at night having made such terrible music, I'm sure he'd say "On top of a pile of money." So be it. Americans are dumb and if they are dumb enough to buy the garbage Soulja Boy is selling them, more power to Soulja Boy for playing the best scam since Bernie Madoff. But if he insists on selling this garbage, can he at least put the following label on everything he does: "Endure this if you must. Survive if you can."