Michael Phelps

I know I’m a little late to this party but I feel like I should weigh in anyway on the phony hysteria about Michael Phelps’ bong hit.

Now people are being arrested, although Phelps himself won’t be charged with anything. My point is: why do people care that a 23-year old kid did something dumb? If you prosecuted every 23-year old that smoked a bong, you’d be trying cases until the next Ice Age.
Another take I agree with is Jeff Pearlman’s. It’s hard enough being a 23-year old, you’re stuck in this odd transition between fast and loose college kid with no responsibility and having to be a man. Not only that, but Phelps has to deal with the crushing pressure of BEING Michael Phelps. You telling me you wouldn’t want to let loose a little if you lived in his world?

Michael Phelps must feel like Dewey Cox’s band when Dewey tells them he doesn’t need them anymore unless they can play the fucking theremin.

“You telling me you don’t need me anymore America? Well, FUCK YOU AMERICA!! I’m 23 years old, I spent my whole teenage and young adult years in the pool, training to win gold medals for YOU, the American people. I just brought you 8 fucking gold medals and now, I just want to cut loose and be a young adult. After all that training, all those autographs, all those interviews, all those people wanting my time, I just want to be a young adult and get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And now you want to condemn me? You want to make fun of me? Well you can take your self-righteous condemnation and shove it up your ass! Why don’t you do something better, like, check out how our government and big bankers completely played with your tax money and took you for a ride.

"I won 8 fucking gold medals. I don’t need this shit. I’m Michael Fucking Phelps. I could be on the phone to Jessica Biel and have her bobbing on my knob in 20 minutes. You know why? Cause I’m Michael Fucking Phelps, that’s why.”

P.S. America- You never once paid for drugs! I did.