Hello out there in cyberspace! On this fine Sunday, I here at Hangar 39 am going to bring you the battle of the decade. This titanic matchup will feature two of the most ubiquitous commercials around. If Don King were promoting this, he’d call it Capitalism Combat. But before we get to the main event, let’s get some appropriate music to get excited about this war of attrition…
Ok, with that said, here are our two combatants. In this corner we have…Flirty Girl Fitness!
(ed.note-I know the vid quality sucks but it’s the only copy of the commercial on Youtube)
And in this corner we have…the Snuggie!
Now, for such a confrontation, we here at Hangar 39 had to assemble an all-star crew to break things down. So in the commentary box we have Pat Summerall, the coach John Madden, Shannon Sharpe and the other coach, Brian Billick. Guys, take it away.
Pat: Thanks Ryan. First of all, John, good to be working with you again. You know partner, a lot of people consider this the ultimate clash in styles. Flirty Girl Fitness is flashy, high-energy and comes with an optional stripper pole. The Snuggie is low-tech, simple, highly effective and makes its user look like Obi-Wan Kenobi. How do you see this matchup shaking out.
John: Well, you’re right Pat, the Snuggie is a very simple product but it comes with its own reading lamp, you can stay warm when you have to get up to answer the phone, the Franciscan friar look is very hot right now and you can wear it to a Little League Game, those kinds of things. But certainly the problem the Snuggie is going to run into, is this offense for Flirty Girl Fitness. As great as the Friar Laurence look is, it’s very tough to defend against women in tight pants, dancing erotically. It’s even harder to defend against a workout that includes lap dancing and pole stunts. For the Snuggie to win, they’re going to have to score more points than Flirty Girl Fitness.
Pat: Coach Billick, Flirty Girl Fitness would seem to have all the momentum in this matchup. It features, as John said, pole dancing, lap dancing, and girls with tight midriffs in even tighter pants. How does Flirty Girl Fitness keep up this momentum against what seems to be the people’s choice, the Snuggie.
Billick: Well Pat, when you have a Flirty Girl Fitness, you have to establish what the parameters are of what you’re trying to do. When you’re going up against a Snuggie, you can’t lie back and let them dictate the pace of the game. You have to establish your tempo and come out and do what it is you do. If you’re able to get ahead of Snuggie, it bodes very well for your chances.
Pat: And the third member of our booth, Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon: The bottom line eess, the Snuggie alwaysss does better when itss cornered. The Snuggie can win thiss game because it takes care of buisinesss, doesssn’t turn it over and can score jusst enough pointsss to win thisss game.
Billick: And Shannon Flirty Girl Fitness is know for its trash talk, something you know plenty about.
Shannon: Fwirty Gwirl Fitnesss knowsss nothing about trassh tawlk! I’m the CEO of trassh tawlk!
John: You know who loves the Snuggie? Brett Favre.
Pat: And why is that John?
John: Well, I think it’s because he’s having so much fun out there. Brett Favre is a joy to watch. He’s the sort of guy I’d take on my team anyday.
Shannon: You know, one thang that bothersss me about Brett Favre. He’s a fumbla. And fumblas do not last long in thiss leegue.
Billick: Well, when it comes to Brett Favre, it is what it is. You take his turnovers because he can make so many plays out there. He’s not like an Elvis Grbac, who I had in Baltimore, you remember him Shannon?
Shannon: Brian, you brought him in to lead ussss to the promise land and he did not get it done.
Pat: It looks like the two sides have taken the field. John, I’ll let you have the last word.
John: Well I like Flirty Girl Fitness. It’s got all the momentum going for it. It’s got girls in tight pants doing pole dances, those kinds of things. And Pat, you know who really likes Flirty Girl Fitness? Hines Ward.