Friday, March 27, 2009

Fun With Junk E-Mails

Ok, one last post for that ass before the weekend.

Junk emails have become a daily part of our existence. We get them all the time, most of the time deleting them as fast as they come in. At The Day Job I get some doozy's and if you occasionally look through them, you can encounter all sorts of unintentionally hilarious hidden treasures. Here now are some actual junk emails I have received at The Day Job followed by my own personal smart ass commentary...

X-Sieve: CMU Sieve 2.2
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:21:41 -0700
From: "The Internet Guy"
Subject: Hi, my name is Paul and I'm one of those Internet guys ...

Hi, my name is Paul and I'm one of those "Internet" guys ...

I work at home and make more money in a month than most people make all year.

I don't have any eBooks, courses or "membership sites" to sell you.

But I do have a website that explains what I'm all about.

It costs nothing to see my online video...

Here's what I'm proposing. No ridiculous claims and no B.S.

- I have no idea what Paul The Internet Guy is proposing to me. Does he want me to buy something? Invest in a pyramid scheme? Become a scientologist? Help him invest a snuff film? He doesn't bother to tell you in the email. I love his claim that he makes more money in a month than most people make in a year. Sure you do Paul. Do you need a college degree to become an "Internet" guy? What sort of training is required? And why do I get the sense that Paul is something like this guy...

X-Sieve: CMU Sieve 2.2
From: "IQ QUIZ"
Subject: Who the heck thinks you're DUMB?
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2009 11:19:41 -0400

Click Here to beat your friends IQ score!

This is an advertisement from Great Incentives.
If you would like to stop receiving these messages
click here at any time to unsubscribe or write us at: Great Incentives 8721 Santa Monica Boulevard #1445 Los Angeles, CA 90069

-Who the heck thinks I'm DUMB? Everybody apparently. Including the sender of this email. And even if I do partcipate and beat my friends IQ score, won't that hurt our friendship because I will be proving that THEY are the dumb ones?

X-Sieve: CMU Sieve 2.2
From: "Reyna Castillo"
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:33:27 -0500

Corporacion Legal y Fiscal, se complace en invitarlo a su Seminario Premier:


En epocas de crisis las empresas pierden presencia en los mercados, reducen la capacidad de generacion de efectivo, incurren en incumplimiento de pagos de obligaciones de crédito, incrementan su carga financiera y fiscal y decrecen las utilidades afectando seriamente el capital de los accionistas y de sus acreedores.

Actualmente los drasticos y constantes cambio en los mercados globales de estrategias y circunstancias inesperadas en los negocios, hacen que las empresas se vean afectadas por retos que demandan la necesidad urgente de una TRANSFORMACION FINANCIERA.

Para evitar que su empresa caiga en el excesivo optimismo en los planes de crecimiento y falta de consideracion de alternativas, escasa o nula planificacion financiera, inadecuada estructuracion del fondeo y deficiente manejo de las situaciones de estres financiero.

Encuentre las respuestas a interrogantes como: ¿que no esta funcionando? ¿Lo que ya estamos haciendo es lo correcto? ¿Debemos cambiar lo que siempre nos ha resultado exitoso? ¿Debemos ignorar nuestra experiencia y empezar de nuevo? ¿Contamos con los recursos financieros necesarios? ¿Por que no generamos el flujo de efectivo y liquidez requeridos? ¿Sera necesario liquidar al personal? ¿Como podremos mejorar con la mayor rapidez posible?...

Empresarios, directores Generales, directores de Finanzas, contralores, Tesoreros, personal de cuentas por Cobrar y Cuentas por Pagar, Contadores y en general a todas las personas que esten interesadas en conocer las acciones para la reestructura financiera y operativa en cualquier empresa.

MÉXICO, D.F. 6 y 7 de Abril 2009 Hotel Fiesta Americana Grand Chapultepec.

Horario los 2 días: 9:00 a 14:00 hrs.


Solicite un folleto via telefonica Tel. 0133 3122 4500 con 10 Lineas

Solicite un folleto via correo electronico. Responda este correo con los siguientes datos:


Nombre :

Puesto :

Empresa :

Ciudad :

Telefonos :

Extension :

Fax :

Le interesa que esta conferencia sea impartida en su institucion? Solicite una cotizacion INCOMPANY...

Se han omitido intencionalmente los acentos para evitar la deformacion del texto en algunos equipos.

Si no desea recibir invitaciones en el futuro sobre ningun tema de CLF envie un correo con asunto N7. Gracias.


- Donde esta la Biblioteca? I'm sorry Dexter I don't speak Spanish. This one amuses me, not only because it's in a foreign language, but because I can't figure out if the sender is one of these...

...or more like this...

"Como esta, bitches!"

X-Sieve: CMU Sieve 2.2
Date: Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:14:02 -0700 (MST)
From: Russian Wives

Click Here and meet HOT Russian women... Who are looking for Men to marry!!

- This one is a personal favorite. I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw the subject line. It's like "Jesus Christ! Did you see the SIZE of that sperm whale!" In fact sir, I have seen the women...

...from Russia...

...and they are impressive, yes. But the part about them looking for men to marry is just a tad, how shall I say, sleazy. I mean, how do they get over here? Does the emailer ship them in a crate ala Dan Aykroyd and Chevy Chase in "Spies Like Us?"

Do you get a warranty in case she cleans out your bank account or gives you the clap? Is she only using me to get to Ovechkin? I think I have a few unanswered questions before I take you up on that offer there sir.

X-Sieve: CMU Sieve 2.2
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 2009 02:40:09 +0100
From: Mohammad Hazim
Subject: Hello my Friend
To: undisclosed-recipients:;

>Hello my friend,

I am Mohammad Hazim an oil merchant in IRAQI, I would need you to
help me out from an urgent situation, which the almighty Allah will
bless you as you listen to my cry to respond back to me immediately
so I can give you details on how you can help me out. I have a
lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you.

Please I would appreciate to receive your urgent response at the below email.


May the almighty Allah be with you

Mohammad Hazim.

- My personal favorite. On its face it seems like a typical Nigerian 419 scheme. But its the details that make this one a source of high comedy. First of all, he's from "IRAQI" which I suppose the Bush Administration didn't send troops into because I'd never heard of it. Second of all, if you are an Iraqi oil merchant, wouldn't an American be the last person you would look for help from? Then there are the Allah references. Did Mohammad think that maybe the people he was sending this email out to, you know, don't exactly worship Allah as their deity? And then there is the dichotomy of him having a lucrative business proposal, yet he needs my help to do it. Um, Mohammad, if you are an oil merchant, why do you need the help of a guy making $20K a year? Why didn't you just go directly to Bush and Cheney when they were in office. I'm sure they would have been glad to share in your business proposal. And what is his proposal? Training sessions in Kabul? A one-way flight to Washington D.C? But hey, I can't hate on Mohammad too much, he did wish that Allah be with me. Gee, thanks Mo.

"I have urgent business proposal for you Hangar."

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