Monday, March 2, 2009

Things That Need To Be Stopped

This is the first of what I plan to be a semi-regular feature here at Hangar 39. Because pop culture never ceases to give us things that really need to stop for one reason or another. So here is my first compilation of things that need to be stopped.

Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”
By the grace of God, embedding for this video has been disabled so I do not have to have to subject you, the Hangar 39 reader, to it unless you absolutely want to hear it. That being said, I am not sure I have ever disliked a song more than this one. It’s supposed to be a female empowerment anthem but what it’s really telling girls is, “It’s OK to be a gold-digging hussy.” This song may have set the women’s movement back 30 years. For me, when I hear this song, I start to understand what makes people want to carve up the family dog. The song is so bad, I get the impression that Beyonce wore that leotard in the video just to distract people from how awful the song is. Just an absolute abomination that needs to be stopped immediately.

Tyler Perry

I don’t have to tell you that we are living in the worst economic times since the Great Depression. Businesses and the federal government are trying to get you to spend your money to help jumpstart the economy. The housing markets have gone to hell. Newspapers are closing. Eastern European countries are literally collapsing. And yet, Tyler Perry keeps churning out stuff and keeps raking in money. Perry’s newest film just opened at $41 million!!!! Maybe President Obama should hire him to fix the economic crisis. Or perhaps throw him in a gulag to get him to stop.
Look, I know humor is a subjective thing and can be based on a lot of factors. For instance, some people find Dane Cook funny. I don’t and don’t understand why anyone else does. Same with Perry. Most of his stuff seems to be a mash-up of black stereotypes, lazy jokes about white people and shmaltzy sentimentality. Maybe I just don’t get it. But to be fair, I will put up an episode (broken down into four parts) of Perry’s TBS show “House of Payne,” and let you be the judge.

Is this stuff funny? And would I hate it so much if Perry weren’t as ubiquitous as a cockroach after a nuclear holocaust? The first time I saw Perry’s possessive credit on one of his many DVDs was at a Wal-Mart, that bastion of crappy, best-selling consumer culture. It was part of something called “The Tyler Perry Collection.” This was about 5 years ago and I had never heard of the guy before in my life. And yet, he had accumulated enough projects to have a “collection.” When I think of guys that have collections I think of the greats like Hitchcock, Kubrick, Eastwood and Welles or of anthology collections like the SNL DVDs. But if Perry can put out a collection, can anyone have one? If that’s the case, I am eagerly anticipating “The Snakehead Movie Collection.”

Pittsburgh Steeler Love

This may be a little late because football season is over but it still needs to be said. Mainstream media - ENOUGH with your love of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
So everyone loves the Steelers eh? Well, let me tell you I HATE the Steelers. Hate them. It’s a really horrible human emotion to hate people. But I can say with no shame, I hate the Steelers. I hate their team, I hate their players, I hate their fans, I hate their town, I’m like fucking Ugly Kid Joe, I hate everything about them. And yet, the mainstream media kisses their ass relentlessly. It’s sickening and I’m going to stop talking about it before I want to punch someone in the face…

Joshua and Tanyalee’s ad

If I may quote a line from the song “Lovey Dovey” by the great Local H:
“Don’t you hate it/when people are in love they’re so/they’re so happy/so fucking happy”
BTW, there is no way Tanyalee is that woman’s real name. That has to be a stage name right? I wouldn’t be bothered by this one so much if the ad wasn’t on every 10 minutes. After the first few times you think, “Boy, good for Joshua and Tanyalee.” By the 158,000th time you pretty much actively dislike them and hope they get involved in a very public and very nasty divorce battle.

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